Day’s 18/19: Chronic illness ≠ better person/a chronic future.

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Hello again lovelies. Thanks for stopping by again. I apologize for no post yesterday. It was a combination of forgetting (of course, gotta love brain fog), and not having enough spoons when I did remember. So, I will be doing day 18 and 19 today!

Day 18: Do you think you have become a better person through being ill? Explain. 

I don’t think that having a chronic illness necessarily makes you a “better person”. I feel like I was already a good person to begin with. That said, I also don’t think that it necessarily makes someone a “worse person” either. Chronic illness has made me, and many others, more compassionate of others, appreciative for life, and understanding. It has made me more passionate to help others. It has made me more honest about how I feel, and less tolerant of bullies and hate. It’s made me more sarcastic. Having a chronic illness has made me more honest with myself, but less honest with others. Let me explain this last part. When I said, less honest with others, what I mean is that I am not always straight forward with others about how I feel. Like many other people with chronic illness, when asked “how are you?” I tend to default to “okay”, “hanging in there”, etc. Let’s be honest, no one wants to hear about how miserable you are all the time. Plus, I don’t want to give in to that misery. I often feel much worse when I say that I’m miserable, than when I say that I am hanging in there. I’ve taken my illness out on myself, screaming at myself, beating myself up emotionally because of what I can’t do. I’ve also taken it out on other people – irritability is a part of chronic life.

Do any of these qualities or behaviors make me a “better” or “worse” person than I already was? Than I was going to be without a chronic illness?

Day 19: How do you feel about the future? 

There was a point in my journey that I didn’t feel hopeful for my future. I didn’t necessarily think I was dying or going to die young, just wasn’t hopeful for a quality future. Over the past year, particularly since developing severe gastrointestinal symptoms, I have adopted a new attitude in life – Life is about how well you live, not how long you live. I could very well have a long life ahead of me. But none of us know the future. Even the healthiest people could have their life taken or drastically altered in a matter of moments. At one point I told myself I would finish school and go to medical or PA school once I felt better. There may be a point in my life that I feel “better”, but there might not. I’m not going to sit around and wait for that day. I plan on finishing my degree once my financial situation is a little more stable (my student loans have all be forgiven and I don’t want to take any more out). I plan on pursing my advanced degree once I have all the prereq classes. If I am capable, I’m not going to wait to do the thing I want. Is it going to be hard? Absolutely! But the reward will be so much sweeter.

I feel like I’ve been rambling on for a while. I feel like my blog entries go through phases of great structure, to absolute ramblings. Before I leave off, I also wanted to take a moment to thank a few of my friends. I don’t want to call you out by name on a blog, but I have several friends who have been helping strive to achieving some of the stuff on my “life list” (I prefer this term over “bucket list”).

Lots of love,
Megan

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